Vomitorium

2010-03-24T15:58:00.001-07:00

I make my living hammering nails into my head.

It wasn’t always nails. I have had things such as ice picks, spoons, screwdrivers, power tools and switchblade knives up in there over the years. But I always come back to the nails. Right now it is a sixty penny six inch spike. I tap it into my nostril and it slides to the back of the skull and it stops short of hitting my spine. This leaves an inch and a half of the nail still exposed for the audience to see. As I run through my related jokes and observations I tilt my head up and down, side to side. On a good day the audiences eyes lock onto that nail as if a ball at a tennis match.

The initial shock of seeing a grown man doing something any child would be smart enough not to do can vary from person to person and crowd to crowd. And there have been many crowds. In the summers it is at the Sideshows By The Seashore theater in Coney Island. The audiences are tourist and New York families looking to experience some Coney Island tradition. The evenings are in bars and clubs in Manhattan alongside burlesque dancers, comedians and magicians. In the winter traveling across the states with a Vaudeville Review jumping from town to town with my trusty hammer and nail. I have hammered nails in front of college classrooms, office Christmas parties, Bar Mitzvas and deep cable television shows. I once even found myself officiating a wedding under the Brooklyn Bridge. The bride and groom took there rings hanging from the nail in my nose. The reactions are always the same.

First there are the people who are delighted to see something strange and odd. They may have heard about such a stunt being performed by the Fakirs of India or by performers of the past. They could have read about it in the books that romanticize the tent shows of the old carnivals or circuses. Some may have even seen an explanation of the stunt on TV . Now they are seeing it live. They laugh with anticipation and excitement as the nail is tapped into place. Their minds race back and forth with conflicting arguments. They convince themselves that it can’t be real, but it must be real, but it can’t! When I take the back end of the claw hammer and drag the nail from my face they are cheering and hollering before the nail hit’s the floor.

Then there are the curious but disturbed. These are the folks that watch the act from between there fingers. The ladies squeeze up against their men. The men grimace and watch out of the corner of their eyes. They squeal and give out nervous laughs. They don’t want to watch but they will. These are the people I can have fun with. I break the patter and try to comfort them in a calm soothing voice. “Trust me, its not hurting you.”. This rarely works. They twist and laugh, there reaction becomes the show. Sometimes I get closer and demonstrate how I can make the tip of the nail twitch and jump at will. Sometimes I even convince them to pull the nail from my face. They hold it with thumb and forefinger at arms length. They may be slightly repulsed but very entertained.

There are also the fainters. Not a common occurrence but always a memorable experience. It is always the larger men who pass out. The gentleman’s body goes limp, his eyes roll back into his head and he slumps into his seat. This is usually followed by the lady he is with screaming with confusion and fear. I have learned from experience and resist the urge to jump into the audience and help revive. The first thing that you see when you come to should not be me with nail in head shaking you awake. The men always say that it was too hot, have a glass of water and continue with the show.

Then there are the disgusted, not the fun I-don’t-want-to-watch-but-I-have-to! Disgusted but a specific kind that just shuts down. They stare to the ground stone faced. Some will turn around completely if the have the opportunity. They show no emotion except for great concentration of ignoring what is going on. They do not like it and they never will. I leave these people alone. Maybe I can get a laugh out of them with the next act when I stick my tongue in a mousetrap.

I have learned many stunts in my years as a professional performer. Swallowed swords in the streets of Times Square and warmed up a room eating fire. I got a great workout from juggling a chainsaw and had indigestion from eating too many light bulbs. I spent a summer hanging from my ankles escaping from a straitjacket and learned a few jokes along the way. But when I am looking for something that is going to stick with the audience nothing beats the old hammer and nail.

A good night in San Fran

2010-03-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

A Shmaltz Night Out from Jesse Tarnoff on Vimeo.

2010-02-05T14:17:00.001-08:00

2010-02-03T16:58:00.001-08:00

I trust it.

Location:Avalon Ave,Charlotte,United States

Tour Day 3

2010-01-30T10:22:00.001-08:00

Last nights show went well. A handful of people had seen me before out in Coney. A few people asked me what my sign was. Had Mexican dinner with Heather.

Tour Day 2

2010-01-29T16:56:00.001-08:00

Last nights show was a blast. Great way to start the tour.

What a fine audience. The gent in the front room was the Mario to my Luigi.

Tonight we are at the Basement in Kingston, NY. It is very cold. Glad I don't have to take my clothes off tonight.

Had Mexican food with Heather. Nachos are show fuel!

Tour Day 1

2010-01-28T16:41:00.001-08:00

Started my two month tour with the Pretty Things Peepshow today. Drove down to a great circus bar called Mojo13 in Wilmington DE.

Our opening band made us an awsome blacklight banner.

Nice Day For a Swim

2010-01-01T17:02:00.001-08:00

For the third year I decided to ring in the New Year with the Coney Island Polar Bear Swim.

I have a new one piece swimsuit that realy shows off my masculine form.

The beach was more crowded than ever. The air was a forgiving fourty one degrees.

I ran into the surf, washed off 2009 and ran back a bit faster.

The water was cold but the walk back was the painful part. Feet were to cold to jam into the shoes so my little piggies took a beating on the way back. Should be able to feel them again by next New Years Day.

Location:E 15th St,Brooklyn,United States

The King and I

2009-11-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Made it to Graceland. Home of the king.

I have never been a big Elvis fan but Heather is. It was a slow day and we had the house to ourselves.

The home was much smaller than what you would imagine, almost quaint compared to modern rock star "cribs".

The house was a time capsule of kitch. I wouldn't mind a TV room like this.

Well that's me sitting on top of Elvis' corpse. I feel a bit guilty that I made it to his grave before Houdini.

My Smallest Fan

2009-11-21T16:52:00.001-08:00

She comes to the sideshow every year. Her mother told me she picked up the drill and started quoting my act. "I'm at work!" is what she was joking in this photo.

I look forward to seeing her again next summer.

Let Them Eat Cake

2009-11-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

So set your Tivo friends and fam. It's that time again to catch yours truly on the boob tube. A few months ago a reality show came through the sideshow. They brought us a themed cake with all the performers banners on it. I never know how much or how little they will use of our footage but its worth checking out.

So check out the show. Its called Cake Boss and on TLC. The air date is Nov. 30th 9pm EST.

...like I need a hole in my head.

2009-11-11T10:31:00.001-08:00

My little sis came through for me again. She put my new logo on my favorite press photo.

I has this x-ray done a few years ago. At the time that 60p nail was a real pain to get in. I could feel the pressure in my teeth. I am now able to do that nail with much more ease. The prints should be available soon!

Changing Your Putter

2009-11-09T16:43:00.001-08:00

We have been meeting some great people on the road. Some have had some feedback on our show. I recieved this cryptic note last night.

Let me translate.

Changing Your Patter
How about : This
Isn't rated so you
Don't any adults to late
To find one.
You of faint of heart
You don't have one anyway
So go vote Babist.
These women love
Just not you
These are girls you can
Cut up couse then you
Couldn't take them hom
To meat the folks
Fuck 'em if they a joke
Joke 'em if they can't take a Fuck.

I think that I may just use this for Heathers intro tomorrow as a bit of dada poetry.

Dollywood

2009-11-08T19:16:00.001-08:00

I remember the first time I ever heard about Dollywood. I found t
he idea of a Dolly Parton amusement park, well amusing.

It ended up being a blast. After five days of sprinting from show to show we needed a break.

The roller coasters were great. Here we are on the Thunder Head. Wooded coasters are always a thrill. They make you feel like you are going to die at any moment. Good times.

The museum was a time capsule. Walking through the past of a entertainment legend is such fun. If you ever make it out there I recommend taking a few burlesque performers with you.

A Cure For All Your Woes

2009-11-06T13:19:00.001-08:00

We are on our way to West Virginia today. I had a bit of time to put my Moustache Wax together.

I hand make it at home on my stove. It smells sweet from all the beeswax in it. Kathleen put the logo together for me. It is good to have creative sisters.

The wax is already selling well. Soon my influance will be everywhere!

On the Road

2009-11-04T11:31:00.001-08:00

Well it only took thirty years but I finaly made it out on the road. I will be spending the next two months traveling up and down the coast with the Pretty Things Peepshow!

We did our first show last night in Cleveland and now are on the road to Indianapolis. We have thirty six dates in all so if you or anyone you know are on the east coast you owe it to yourself to see this amazing sideshow and burlesque review!

You can find our tour dates and a whole lot more at prettythingsproductions.com

The Great Apple Hunt

2009-10-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Family Kocktail

2009-10-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

The Coney Island Sideshow season has come to a close. This year we added a new member to the cast. Krissy Kocktail. Today I was sent this video that gives a great behind the scenes feel of the sideshow and Krissy.

Two Weeks

2009-09-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well friends the summer season is coming to an end and there is only two more weeks to see the Coney Island Circus sideshow. We put together one hell of a cast this year and who knows what the future will bring. So come on down to the corner of W.12th and Surf Ave. this Saturday or Sunday for some sideshow fun.

more info on the sideshow

Photo by Chris Zedano

Staple Street Project

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

2009-09-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am recovering from the Beard and Moustache Competition I hosted last night. I will be posting photos of them soon. But here is a heads up for the next event that I am excited about.

Just look at that lineup! If that isn't worth a trip Coney Island I don't know what is.

Thursday, September 17th
Freudian Slips
Sideshows by the Seashore - 1208 Surf Avenue, Coney Island USA!
9pm show, $15

Presented in conjunction with The Coney Island Museum's current exhibit by Zoe Beloff, "Dreamland: The Coney Island Amateur Psychoanalytic Society and Its Circle, 1926-1972." A most experimental of formats explores a conversation between a doctor and his patient with all of their neuroses, irrational fears, obsessive loves and odd habits on full display for your viewing pleasure and psychoanalytic appetites. Starring Bastard Keith, Donny Vomit, Little Brooklyn, Madame Rosebud, RunAround Sue and Legs Malone.

Everyone takes a beating sometimes.

2009-08-16T11:21:00.001-07:00

I have history of minor injury at the sideshow. I have cut off the tip of my tongue. Broken out my front two teeth. Once I ended up at the Coney Island Hospital with thirteen stitches inside my mouth. Been lucky recently but did end up with a nice little bump last week.

I have been doing a straitjacket escape this year. I get strung up by the ceiling and swung around. Heather will give me a little kick to start me off. Last Friday it was a great kick and I swung eye first into the microphone stand on the other side of the stage. The loud thunk gor a great groan and laughter from the audience.

Being upside down and restrained I thought that I had broke the orbit of my eye. I escaped a bit faster than usual so I could check out the damage.

It may not look like much but that marble size lump hurt like the dickens. When I woke up the next morning it had spread into a black eye.

It kept getting darker for the next couple of days. It was fun to look scrappy for that week.

Bonus Pic

Lizard Man and Black Scorpion. Keeping it real.

Wet Plates

2009-08-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have done a few photo shoots during my time in NYC. None of them has had me as excited as the one that I was involved in last week. Bill Steber came through the sideshow and now we have these.

This is Wet Plate Photography. Taken with vintage cameras you have to hold still for up to 40 seconds. This is one of the reasons that in old photos people don't smile that much.

A little look at the equipment. Note the plate at the base of the tripod. That holds the metal plate that the photo is shot and developed on.

The photos are upside-down and backwards, Gives great effects. These photographers will be back in Coney in a few months. I want to get together a large group of performers to get photos taken.

This one is my favorite. Legs Malone and I. I am sweet on that girl.

The Lighter Side of Life

2009-07-26T12:04:00.001-07:00

At the sideshow I steal peoples lighters. I do this a lot. During the show I have them throw one up to me and I just never return it. Doing the show eight to ten times a day I have started quite a collection.

Some people get very bent out of shape about a 50 cent lighter but I did keep some great ones. The Obama is my favorite.

By the end of the year I should have well over a hundred. What should I do with them all?

BONUS PIC TIME

Heather Holliday. Cream Cheese Bagel Party

Freak night out

2009-07-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

On July 20th I performed at the Slipper room for Nic Sin's birthday party bash.

(photo by Tim Sutton)

This is Nic. That is the straitjacket that I had made for him on his birthday last year. I can't wait for the next chance to hang him from something. The show was filled with great burlesque and many friends came out.

I had the chance to do some fire eating in the show. The ceiling was made of tin tiles. The fire created a great ring that only the front row and I were able to enjoy.

All the freaks came out in support of Nic. In this photo Black Scorpion,

Mat "Sealboy" Fraiser, Nic Sin, Me! and Tim "Torture King" Cridland.

Had some other great burlesque adventures this week, should have more soon.

Circus Posters

2009-07-12T12:15:00.001-07:00

The other day the boss, Dick Z. was going through some of his old posters.

These are just a few. I love the look.

I wish that I could get a hand on these. They would be a great gift for my nephew.

arff.

New Hat Day!

2009-07-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

I went to a costume rental shop that was going out of business. The warehouse was pretty picked through by the time that I got there but did manage to find some neat headgear.

Bellhop Donny.

I am going to use this as the center piece for a new circus act that I am working on.

Old Time Catcher Donny.

And then there is this thing. I have no clue, I just knew that I needed it.

BONUS PIC

Getting Ready for the 'pockyclypse Mad Max Style.

I could use that catchers mask here.

Check out Black Scorpion in the back holding the beasts at bay.

Dart Days

2009-06-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

Chris has been teaching me how to play darts. In one of our first games with each other I managed to pull off some crazy Robin Hood shot.

Split a dart down the center! Score that 20!

New Banner Day.

2009-05-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

May brought in new banner day. I think we have a great line this year.

Chris and I managed to score a scaffold to get the job done right.

Chris and Scott Baker could be related.

Marie Roberts popped out of her studio to take a look at her work.

Twelve new banners in all. Quite a unique collection.

Donny Vomit Swallows

2009-05-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

Amazing performer and friend Cowboy Chris McDaniel has been working on an amazing video series of sword swallowers. With his trusty lipstick camera he is getting some great shots. I was lucky enough to be part of this project. Here is the raw footage.

Keep an eye on ole' Chis here.

2009-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

Went to Seattle for two nights for there Beer Week. Booked a show at Seattles best beer bar Brouwers. Amazing place. They named a dinner course after me. The Donny V. Special.

Looks good eh? Thats the good suff. That my friends are free range canadian veal bull testicles. And they were amazing.

This is Drew. Last time I saw Drew we were in NYC shopping for swords to swallow. He is one of my favorite musicians. He was on the bill for the evening playing in his newest incarnation,
Gods Favorite Beefcake.
He Brought me a present, a cute little painted turkey foot. I love this man. Drew showed me a bit of the town and we mounted this.

Stalin Biach.

Had a great show. The beers flowed like beer. Hit some great resturants and bars. Can't wait to get back and check out the town more. At the end of it all this is how I found myself.

and I didn't even know it.

2009-05-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

Just finished teaching Sideshow School. A student brought a poem that was written by one of her sisters about yours truly and I will share it with you now.

Sideshow

By: Megan Grumbling

He starts the drill and snarls. On his own cue

he'll take it up the nose for us., fools fresh

off the dirt beach. We're green, have bought these huge

Freaks Beers, lugged them up to the edge of grease-

s,eared bleachers, smutty dark. We're here to watch

the tattooed fringe stick weir lengths right inside

themselves - rods, bits, snakes, fire, steel nails - to gawk

at hairy Mexicans strut the thin line

stretched low over the stage. We straddle cracks,

some sketchy slats. Dark down there. We clutch rails

not nailed so well, skirt squeamish heights, the back

bride-sumped bathroom's used tampon in a pail.

Spooked giddy beyond margins, fully loath

to mire in middling, were swigging with both

hands when our MC's nostrils flare. You guys

nervous? He smells us, glares. You should be. Grips

us by our very sphincters and we rise

all right, near squealing - that is, till he flips

us off, smirks: Cause I'm drunk! Cackles. Still, mean drill

nears orifice, and Shhhhhhhh ! his furious hiss

admonishes, as if loose din could kill,

as if for life and art and damn he's pissed

at our philistine shit. But that's not it

at all. Cause soon the slow pimp sneer slides back,

fondles and mocks out saucer eyes, our spread

lips; poises drill for taking, thrusts his last

taunt: Listen! And damn, does he get this drill,

know that we've paid to hear it all.

Cool poem eh? But just for the record I use the "I'm drunk." line in my juggling act not the blockhead. You would have to be crazy to blockhead drunk!!

I'm your huckleberry

2009-05-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

As I write this I am back in NYC working at the Coney Island Sideshow but there are still plenty of stories from Tuscon I have not wrote yet. So enjoy this Arizona flashback.

After seeing The Thing John and I swing by the grand town of Tombstone. We hit Tombstone last year and had a blast but managed to miss two attractions that we had to see this time around.Once in town we head to the OK Corral. Walking the same streets as Doc Holiday and Wyatt Earp.

Peeing in the same streets as Doc and Earp.

Wrangling the same novelty bull as Doc and Earp.

Watching the same anamitronic gunfight as Doc and Earp.

We check OK Coral off our to do list and head out for some spelunking.

We head to the silver mine.

What John and I do underground is going to stay underground.

We round out our trip with lunch at Big Nose Kate's bar. A few margaritas and burgers later we hit the road back to Tuscon.

Coming up soon, sideshow fun!

Picking up chicks

2009-04-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

Two baby finches managed to find there way into our tent.

I dropped them off at the 4H barn. Either they will be raised or released or fed to something bigger.

The Thing

2009-04-25T11:22:00.001-07:00

The Arizona landscape is beautiful. Stretches of sun bleached land overshadowed by amazing mountains. But there was one thing in the desert that we could not ignore.

The Thing.
Over two hundred of these billboards dot the Arizona highways beckoning travelers to answer for themselves "What is the Thing?"

After an hour drive we make it to the Thing. On a side note that is our trusty Mustang that we were upgraded to at the rental place just for being weird.

We enter into the gift shop and do our souvenir shopping first. We are confident that the Thing will be well worth the shot glasses and bumper stickers that we buy. We drop a buck and enter the museum.

On the other side is a museum. Littered with artifacts recovered from the desert. Painted tree roots, strange dioramas and old cars pave the way to The Thing!

I am face to face with the Thing! Locals have told me it was not worth it but what I see in the pit is beyond description. It is horrifying, it is mesmerizing it is amazing. It is everything I wanted it to be and more. I leave happy to know what the Thing is.

Oh and what is the Thing? Well if you are passing Dragoon, Arizona you can find out for yourself.

Yes We Can

2009-04-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

John and I wake early. We are both beat from the Tiki bar last night but we have a plan and we are sticking to it. We head out to Old Tuscon. Many westerns have been filmed out there including one of my favorites. Three Amigos.

The chapel on the grounds offered us no comfort. God could not help us shake our hangovers. But we find something that can.

Can-Can girls.

We jump a stagecoach with the ladies. We were joined by the Future Cowboy. The man in gold was a mystery to everyone in the park. His armor was made of gold spray painted cardboard. He carried plastic laser guns. He refused to show his face and generally creeping
everyone out.

We circle the park. As the girls have a laser fight with the Future Cowboy John and I serve as human shields.

After the ride we catch the stunt show and then hit the road. We crash at the hotel for an hour until we have to leave for our five o'clock show. We are beat for the rest of the day.

Tiki Town

2009-04-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

Saturday we decide that it is time to hit the town for a drink or two. We head to the Tiki Bar.

People tell us that the Kon Tiki is a seedy bar. Not so much.But they do have strong drink. Our friend Donovin meets us there and we have a great conversation about magic and special effects.

John and I drink way too many cocktails of rum and syrup. Not a good mix on an empty stomach and days in the sun. Donovin hooks us up with tickets to Old Tuscon the movie set in town. The next day will prove to be a chalange.

Bulls and Bruises

2009-04-18T09:29:00.003-07:00

We roll into Pima County Fair around four. The weather is warmer and the crows are a bit more active than yesterday. As I enter our tent I feel someone staring at me. I turn and there he is.

Champ. He was eyeballing me all last year. He has some problem with me. Did I steal his girl? Did I insult his mother? Whatever it is we have a score to settle. The showdown is set for after out second show. Once the sun goes down it is time to ride.

I mount ole' Champ. He jerks a bit but nothing Mr. Vomit can't handle. Not so tough, but what do you expect for a bull with no legs?

Champ starts playing rough! He bucks and swings. Those skinny carny legs hold on for dear life!

Champ tosses me to the ground. He proves himself to be the better man. Or at least the better bovine cyborg. With the way my legs feel afterwards I believe that he was sent from the future to keep me from sirring the leader of the resistance.

During our ten o'clock show we try something new. While in my straitjacket John comes on stage and sticks a plunger onto my bald head. To my surprise I was able to get my arms over my head without popping the plunger off. I start to tug at the plunger and it gets a good laugh. I'm gonna milk this. I struggle and pull and toss myself about trying to get it off. It pops with a great sound and the crowd loves it.

This morning I see the results of my antics.

Giant hickey upon my head. Please note this is twelve hours later. See how I suffer for my art? Sideshow is a dangerous business friends.

Touchdown Tuscon

2009-04-18T09:29:00.001-07:00

Flew into Tuscon on Wednesday with John Shaw. 6 am flight from LGA. Popped a few sleeping pills and drooled on myself in a daze for six hours. When we land in Tuscon we head to the car rental. A few stickers and promises of some fair tickets John gets our car upgraded to a white Mustang on the house. Never underestimate the power of facial hair.

We check into the hotel and then cruse around Tuscon gathering supplies for the shows. Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Dollar store. Pick up a new camera. We swing by the fairgrounds to set our stage. The winds are high and dust is swirling. We hang our banners and check out the tent that will be our home for the next ten days. We walk the fair, everyone is putting the finishing touches on there tents for the opening tomorrow. Many familiar faces. John and I spot an amazing sideshow front. 200 ft banner line, great bally stage and imposing tent. Sneak in and no one is home. Three red and yellow display waggons sit next to a corral of three animals. As we get closer to the critters we start pointing out the oddities. Six legged goat next to the six legged cow. At the end is another cow with two noses and an under bite that makes him look like a bulldog.

Done working for the day we hang at the hotel. This will be our one evening free during our trip. We meet up with friends at a mini theme park/restaurant Pentacle Peak. We watch the wild west stunt show and then head to the steak house. Its one of these joints that has ties that have been cut from patrons necks and stapled to the ceiling. Longhorns and Oak everywhere. I order a steak the size of my head. Nobody touches my tie.

Thursday

Time to work. Spend the day in the hotel reading and putting music together. Head out to the fair at three. The food joints are in full swing when we arrive. Everything is deep fried and smells great. John and I work out the beats of the show, he has some new comedy acts he is working on. I decided to keep it simple this year, Blockhead, Mouse Trap, Sword Swallowing, Balloon Swallow, Straitjacket and maybe Whips.

Our first show we dust of the cobwebs. We start at five. Five is a rough show, with what we are doing it is better if it is dark and the audience is a little drunk. At the seven show both John and I spot a kid sitting off to the side, Pompadour, earplugs and gas station jacket. Kid has sideshow written all over him. He introduces himself after the show, Andy. He is working the other sideshow tent and we agree to drop by after our last show. By our show at ten we are getting back in the groove. I have troubles in the straitjacket but that's how it goes. We pack quickly and head up to the other sideshow front.

We meet the Curator, Jim Zajicek. He escorts us through his show. An amazing collection of oddities. We get reacquainted with the animals that we saw yesterday and marvel at his pickled creatures. We talk about Coney and who-knows-who and who-knows-what. We are all on the same page. Hungry we decide to grab some food. Jim suggest a trucker stop down the road. The TTT truck stop diner is everything you would want in a trucker dinner and more. We spend a few hours talking with Jim and Andy. Jim tells stories of his show past, and Andy talks about his sideshow beginnings. Chicken Fried Steak fills my belly. Get in and to bed around two. Sleep like a stone.